It’s that time again. Has something been bugging you? Have you been thinking about writing a letter to the Green Guide about the incorrect use of “fewer” vs “less” by ABC radio presenters? Brooding at the rising tide of incivility and selfishness evident in the seeming inability of anyone at work to replace rolls of paper towel or toilet paper when they’ve used one up? Or perhaps you’ve been thinking about how suspicious it is that Sir Christopher Wren got the whole “rebuild London” gig after the Great Fire and perhaps we should “follow the money” to find out what really happened?
Embrace your inner crank and write me 500 words (give or take—and shorter is fine, too) arguing your point. I’ll put it in a mag, send you a copy (no author fees for this one at present, I’m afraid) and then you can sit back and shake your head sorrowfully at the ridiculous things other people get upset about.
Please note there will also be an actual letters to the editor section, giving you the chance to reply to those other cranks out there.
But before you get all riled up and dash off a profanity-laden rant against the injustices of the world, here are some points to consider:
- Write something that could be found in the letters page of a reputable newspaper (albeit on a slow news day). In other words, mind your manners. I’m not looking for the sorts of things you find in unmoderated blog comments.
- Having said that, sarcasm and snobby elitism is totally in. And I’m quite partial to passive aggressive language and the occasional use of phrases like “why oh why”.
- You must have a very good reason for using swear words and even then I’ll asterisk out the middle letters—because I’m a fascist, baby.
- You should have an argument of some kind, even if it’s fanciful, illogical and/or poorly constructed. It is not enough to say “you must stack the dishwasher according to points X, Y & Z” you must say WHY this regime is superior to all others.
- Append your work with either your name or Twitter handle, a location (if you wish; “the depths of Hell” or similar are acceptable) and you may also provide an email address or website for further correspondence/advertorial.
- I am the Chief and I may edit your work for reasons of space or clarity without asking you (for my other publications I send you proofs and attempt to engage in editorial discussion). But if you feel you’ve been wronged by my edit, you can write a politely outraged letter to the editor about it. (Which may also be edited).
- There’ll be paper and digital versions, which will be for sale so I will totally be making heaps of cash* out of your blood, sweat and tears. I don’t think I’ll be posting them for free on the internets, though it would be fun to see what would happen in the comments section.
Submissions due June 30. Send them to chiefnantucket at gmail.com. If you are not quite sure what Crank is on about, why not buy a copy? It is available for $4.99 for the hardcopy/digital bundle and $0.99 for the digital-only version. What an amazing bargain!!