An homage to Doctor Who, 50 years old today…DOCTOR POO

I found this partial script for “Doctor Poo”, which I must have written when I was cross about something to do with Doctor Who. Probably the last time I watched an episode in which all sorts of things were solved merely by the Doctor waving his sonic screwdriver about, accompanied by a crashing and completely unsubtle musical arrangement. Seeing as it’s the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who I thought I’d put it up here. It is very silly. I have taken the liberty of making some casting suggestions. Particular apologies to Mr Clive Owen.

DOCTOR POO

EXT. A windswept rocky plain, not dissimilar in appearance to a quarry, except with more fog. It is dark enough that light from the windows of the handful of shabby dwellings can be seen from our distant standpoint.  SFX: some gurgling and hissing.

INT. a family kitchen. The family (MOTHER, FATHER, DAUGHTER, SON) is evidently poor, as they are dressed in humble (though well-darned) clothes. They are eating a meal around a rough table. Technology appears similar to late 19th century except they have a small high-definition television thing, which is displaying a news report—something about missing persons. Three chickens and a family of bunny rabbits are huddled near the fire.

FATHER (CLIVE OWEN)

[Stands up from table, holding a slim glass tablet]

I’m off to do a poo

 MOTHER (RACHEL WEISZ)

Don’t be too long now, you’ll be late again.

CLIVE

[mutters] Yeah yeah yeah

CLIVE opens door to lavatory, recoils somewhat from the smell, closes door

RACHEL

[to kids] Now here’s your gruel for lunch. Off you go, and don’t give the teacher any trouble. And no fighting the kids from the sulphur mines.

DAUGHTER (ARYA FROM GAME OF THRONES)

But mum, they smell.

RACHEL

Yes dear, but they can’t help it now, can they? It’s not like the urea wells or the peat farms are any better.

 SON (BRAN FROM GAME OF THRONES)

The kids from the slime fields are the worst though. They stink AND they’re idiots.

RACHEL

Don’t you talk like that! Off you go! And mind your manners! I don’t want to be hearing from the teacher again about your cheek!

INT. CLIVE in the lavatory. He is settling himself on the seat, looking at a comic on his glass tablet called “They came from below”. He is humming a little tune as he flips through the comic.

INT. from the bottom of the lavatory, looking up. It is a pit toilet and we are looking up towards CLIVE’s bottom (bottom double can be provided on request of Mr Owen). There are some glooping sounds and a sort of heavy gurgling that could be breathing.

INT. CLIVE on the toilet, reading his comic. In the comic a man sitting on the toilet is about to be attacked from below by a horrible slime monster. CLIVE chuckles and turns the page.

INT. back to loo-cam. We move a bit closer towards CLIVE’s bottom and look at from different angles. Then there is a sudden roar and we rush upwards towards the bottom.

INT. CLIVE on loo.

CLIVE

What the—?!

CLIVE’S expression turns to one of horros as he is attacked from below. He screams.

INT. Kitchen. RACHEL looks up in alarm. The scream goes a bit gurgly and then suddenly is quiet.

RACHEL

Darling? Darling, are you alright?

RACHEL moves hesitantly to the door of the lavatory and knocks cautiously.

RACHEL

Sweetie?

RACHEL pushes the door open, recoils somewhat from the smell and looks inside. It is empty.

RACHEL

Where are you?!

RACHEL walks into the room. The door swings shut behind her to reveal…a poo monster! (CLIVE wrapped in brown bubblewrap or similar). It doesn’t have any distinguishing features and yet it roars at her and she screams.

DOCTOR POO – OPENING CREDITS

EXT. a rocky plain not unlike a quarry but with more mist. A TARDIS materializes, shaped like a nineteenth-century French urinal. We see feet walk from the inside and out to the front. It is the Doctor and her assistant.

ASSISTANT (BILL BAILEY, wearing a nice indigo yukata and woven grass thongs, holding a long-handled bristle brush)

Are you sure we’re in the right place?

THE DOCTOR (TAMSIN GREIG, wearing a Tyvek suit, gumboots and a fez)

I must say, it looks a lot rockier and foggier than the last time I was here. But smell that sulphur! My skin feels better already! Probably from the mud pools. Very restorative, those mud pools – last time I came here for a spa treatment I left feeling 500 years younger.

BILL

It isn’t really what I expected from a spa planet.

TAMSIN

Are you doubting me, poppet?

BILL

Oh no, of course not.

TAMSIN

Look, have a chocolate-covered sultana, that’ll perk you right up

TAMSIN pulls out crumpled and somewhat grubby paper bag out of her pocket.

BILL

Err – no thanks. Not right now. I just brushed my teeth.

TAMSIN

Fair enough. Now, let’s see about a bath! And maybe a massage, I haven’t had one of those for at least a century. This way, I think!

TAMSIN and BILL set off across the foggy quarry. We have a few shots of them walking over craggy outcrops and near boiling mud pits, from various angles.

EXT. Quarry. TAMSIN and BILL come round a large rock, following a path.

BILL

But how did the cat get in the box?

TAMSIN

He put in it in there.

BILL

With a tiny bit of radioactive stuff and a flask of acid.

TAMSIN

Yes.

BILL

What a nasty man.

TAMSIN
It’s just a thought experiment, poppet.

BILL

That’s no excuse.

Excessively muddy SOLDIERS holding equally muddy weapons suddenly leap from behind the rocks.

COMMANDER BLART (DANIEL CRAIG)

Halt!

TAMSIN

Alright.

DANIEL

Identify yourselves!

TAMSIN

Well I’m Doctor Poo and this is my colleague William. And you are?

DANIEL

Commander Blart, of the Number 2 Squadron. You are in a restricted zone!

TAMSIN

Oh dear, I am sorry, we were looking for the spa.

DANIEL
What are you talking about.

TAMSIN

You know, the place with the hot pools and fluffy towels and massages and so on. Where you can have a nice long bath and wash away your worries, that sort of thing. Maybe with a cup of peppermint tea or a pina colada.

CAPTAIN BLART and his soldiers look at each other in confusion and with suspicion.

BILL (whispered to TAMSIN)

Are you sure we’re on the right planet?

TAMSIN (whispered back)

I suppose it has changed a little since I was here last time.

DANIEL

You speak nonsense! You are clearly spies, or infidels, or something, I haven’t quite made up my mind yet but you’re coming with us to see the Chancellor.

TAMSIN

But –

DANIEL

March!

TAMSIN and BILL are marched off by the soldiers.

EXT. at the edge of the same small village we saw at the beginning. TAMSIN, BILL et al come around a small hut and into the street.

BILL

But how can the cat be dead and alive at the same time?

TAMSIN

Well that’s sort of the point, it seems impossible.

BILL

And he wants us to be part of his nasty experiment and open the box to have a look?

TAMSIN

Yes, but remember what I said about –

DANIEL

Halt! We have arrived.

The stop outside a slightly larger hut. CRAIG goes inside and other soldiers poke TAMSIN and BILL with their weapons until they enter also.

INT. of a largish hut, gloomy, lit by oil lamps and a smoky fire. An imposing figure sits in an imposing chair near the fire, along with a few chickens and a small family of bunny rabbits.

DANIEL [salutes]

Chancellor! We found these suspicious persons wandering near the sulphur pits.

CHANCELLOR (DAME JUDI DENCH)

Excellent work, Commander. Well? Explain yourselves!

TAMSIN

As I tried to tell the Commander here, we’re just visitors. We’re looking for the spa city of Kertut-smirnoff.

DAME JUDI

The spa city? Have you lost your mind? Kertut-smirnoff is a fairy tale! We tell it to our children at bed time!

DANIEL

I never heard it, ma’am.

DAME JUDI

Yes, well you were an orphan, weren’t you Commander? You were probably down in the sulphur mines before you could talk, shoveling rocks. Nobody would have read YOU any fairy tales. And you [turns to TAMSIN and BILL], you have clearly lost your wits. What are you doing here? What is your purpose?

TAMSIN

I most certainly have not lost my wits! I spent a lovely fortnight there in the early seventies.

DAME JUDI

Of what century?

TAMSIN

The – oh. Hmm.

 BILL

[sighs crossly]

Enter SOLDIER ON WATCH (IDRIS ELBA), who runs into the hut in a panic.

IDRIS

They’re coming!

TAMSIN

Who’s coming?

DAME JUDI

Commander! All weapons! We must defend ourselves!

DANIEL

Yes, ma’am! Backbark and Bingo, you stay here! The rest with me!

The soldiers exit and BACKBARK (SEAN BEAN) and BINGO (EMILY BLUNT) take up defensive positions on either side of the Chancellor.

TAMSIN

What’s happening? Who’s attacking?

DAME JUDI

A scourge – an evil force! They have taken over half the township already. The sulphur mines lie dormant – all our people, gone.

There are screams and battle sounds and gloopy slithery noises from without.

TAMSIN
Well goodness me, for how long has this been happening?

BILL

I wish we’d gone to the beach planet instead. Although knowing you, we would have arrived 500 years after global warming turned the sea to acid slime.

TAMSIN

Ssh! Chancellor?

 DAME JUDI

The attacks started about a week ago. People started to disappear. And then those THINGS came out of the mines.

TAMSIN

What do they look like?

Dame Judi starts to speak but COMMANDER BLART bursts through the door.

DANIEL

We can’t hold them off! They got Drig and Fluff. And – erk [he suddenly doubles over and clutches his stomach]

DAME JUDI

Commander? What’s wrong?

COMMANDER BLART writhes on the ground. His skin becomes thick, brown and slimy. It creeps over his features and absorbs his limbs until he looks like a large brown slimy maggot. The others look on in horror. Then suddenly they are aware of a gathering of large brown slimy maggots gathering at the door (IDRIS, CLIVE, RACHEL and others in brown bubblewrap etc), reared up on their tails so they are as tall as humans. They start to move in.

DAME JUDI

Good God.

TAMSIN

We’re in big trouble.

BILL

What are they?

TAMSIN

The Grunghee.

END CREDITS

Urinoir en fonte à 2 stalles avec écrans adhèrents No. 25 [picture] / Charles Marville. State Library of Victoria, H2011.126/25. Or... a TARDIS?!

Urinoir en fonte à 2 stalles avec écrans adhèrents No. 25 [picture] / Charles Marville. State Library of Victoria, H2011.126/25. Or… a TARDIS?!